Giving advice to your adult child is tricky! Your advice can be well received or it can be disastrous, depending on your child, the situation, or sometimes just the day. I have been on both sides of this situation before. Sometimes my advice to my daughter has been well received. Other times and probably more often than not, my advice has not been received well now that my daughter is an adult.

Walking this fine line of giving advice or not is a hard lesson for parents to learn, especially mothers. For the last eighteen years, we have been guiding their decisions, many times by giving them advice. Now that they are adults, they do not want advice from their parents. It’s a huge adjustment! So how do we walk this fine line?

Giving Advice To Your Adult Child If They Have Not Asked For Advice

If your adult child has not asked for your advice, should you give them your opinion? The short answer is no. The majority of the time your adult child comes to you with their issues, they are just looking for a listening ear. We need to learn to shut our mouths and open our ears. Just show up for them. Be a supportive friend and not a controlling parent. That time has passed. Your child no longer needs you to tell them what to do and how to act. You have taught them well over the years, and they have all the skills they need to solve their issues themselves. However, it may be helpful for them to discuss the issues out loud with someone. If that someone is you, be grateful and listen.

Even if you know their decision is a mistake, giving advice to your adult child is not in the best interest of your relationship with your child. Remember that making mistakes is one of the best ways to learn. Learning from their own mistakes will produce wisdom and growth. Let them make their own mistakes. Be there to support them when they do. And be there without giving advice or giving them the infamous “I told you so” speech. Unsolicited advice comes across as judging and insulting. This is not what you want your relationship with your adult child to be.

Giving Advice If Your Child Asks For Your Advice

At some point, your adult child may come to you with an issue and ask for your advice. If this happens tread carefully. Try phrasing your advice this way “In these types of situations, this has worked for me…” and not “You need to do this and say this”. As you have these conversations, you should never pressure them to take your advice. Your advice should always be given as an optional solution, not the only solution or the best solution.

Another way you can handle giving advice to your adult child when they ask for your advice is to ask them open-ended questions. Open-ended questions will help them come up with their own solutions. It’s less about your advice and options and is more about helping them think through the issues and determine possible solutions.

Now, friends, I am in no way perfect at this yet. I am trying and I am getting better at supporting and listening to my adult daughter. At times I do still slip back into my controlling, mothering ways! It’s hard, but I am committed to working on this. Let’s work on not giving advice to our adult children together! Instead, let’s just show up for them no matter their decisions!